Someone Make These Commercials.

Tonight I was watching TV and a commercial for the Everlon jewelry collection came on. You might know it better as that whole line of diamond jewelry that resembles nothing so much as a uvula or saggy man bits. To wit:


As Jess put so well this week, I do not relish the thought of a month straight of watching TV and seeing women "lose their shit" over ugly jewelry.

This was the commercial I saw:



My qualms with it, in order of appearance:

1. Their hands would be really cold. This is not an example of proper outerwear usage.
2. I'm giving them a citation for misuse of Sonny & Cher.
3. BAD COMBOVER.
4. Your knees would not buckle from seeing a diamond.
5. Your knees would especially not buckle from seeing a diamond in a uvula-shaped setting.
6. The look she gives him right before kissing him seems a wee pathological for a jewelry commercial. Will she laser him with her eyes?

Might I suggest something better?

First, my proposal for a better commerical about women's love of jewelry:

Jewelry is pretty. People like to wear it because it makes their outfits look complete and is also usually sparkly. These are good things. Sure, it's expensive, but if you pick something she likes she'll wear it for many years, bringing the overall cost per use down. Nice jewelry can make a lady eating chicken nuggets look like a fancy lady eating chicken nuggets. Not that anyone does that. Also, don't ever give a pear-shaped diamond. Those need to go extinct. Anyway, keep giving jewelry, but just be cool. Merry Christmas!

Second, my proposal for a commercial for women about an effective gift for the men in their lives, and the grandiose reaction it is sure to elicit:

Ladies, he does not want jewelry. Maybe a man purse, but not jewelry. So buy him a lot of beer and chicken wings. Or pizza; that's good, too. Do this while wearing something that makes plain your front-facing lady assets. He will get to eat chicken wings, drink beer and look at boobs. "How did you know?!" he will say. Do you see his knees shaking? Effective!

I am just so grateful when a Snuggie commercial comes on and cleanses my palate with something useful.