Sunday, April 12, 2009
For the past few days, I've been derailed by a stomach bug I initially attributed to the buffalo wings I had for lunch and dinner on Easter, but deductive reasoning has ruled them out as the culprit. Apparently, I'm just sick. Which, lame. Anyway, the various delicate behaviors that have ensued have reminded me of the many ladylike wiles I have to pass on to today's young women.
So, ladies, line up. I'm teaching lessons. To wit: a sampling of my finishing school's core curriculum:
Ladies Should Be Seen and Not Heard
or: Silent, But Deadly
How To Eat Two Chipotle Burritos in One Sitting
The key to mastering this technique and maintaining one's girlish figure is 1) order the second one to go so that they don't know it's for you; and 2) make the second one vegetarian so that it's "lighter."
When building a wardrobe, strive to keep the ratio of sweatpants to actual pants around 2:1.
The Art of Conversation
Part One: That's What She Said
The Five Ws and How
Part Two: Your Mom
The Universal Truth/Don't Apostrophize It
Bring Your Big Purse
A case-study approach to the sundry goods I have gotten for free over the years; sessions to include condoms from the RA, a plate from Chino Latino and the IKEA ottoman I found next to the dumpster at my apartment.
I mean, something about catching more flies with honey, am I right?