Beard-Off Poems

So, did you know I was the poet in residence at the 2011 Minnesota Beard-Off, planned by my good friend (and Emily's fiance) Art Allen? I had to add some class to the room to balance out all the swarthy pirates, fisherman, lumberjacks and hipsters. The Turf Club never heard such elegant turns of phrase. Anyway, I wrote poems for each category and I thought I'd share them with you.



Full Beard - Sonnet
Behold, the urban lumberjack,
His face a mandibular North Woods.

Covered in sideburns, moustache and chin strap,

Like a built-in sexy parka hood.



How did this man, his shirt so plaid and flannely,

Grow such a luxurious beard?

Did he simply close his eyes, think thoughts most mannily,

And a wondrous face pelt just appeared?

I hope he never shall yell timber,

And fell his face forest with Gillette.
For bare faces inspire dim words

In this whisker-loving poet.



It’s a scientific fact that lumberjacks hate razors.

Lucky for us. Now let’s judge their face hair!


Partial Beard – Ode
It puts you in good company when
You shave off half you've grown.
After all, Abe Lincoln wore a partial beard
And so did David the Gnome.

And we ladies love the mutton chops
Because they leave the chin area clean.
You'll never get post-makeout stubble burn from
A young Teddy Roosevelt, or Wolverine.

But don't get me started on freaking goatees,
Because no guy should employ
The elaborate whisker topiary favored
By three-fifths of the Backstreet Boys.

So I'm going to wrap things up here,
Let's get this round on the road.
You only grew half a beard,
So I only wrote you half an ode.


Moustache - Haiku
Without a moustache
Magnum PI would just be
A cop or some shit.

You know what’s not cool?
Thin little Frenchman ‘staches.
I mean, Christ, douchebag.

And a Fu Manchu,
While impressive in its way,
Won’t earn you smooches.

And so good luck, men.
For he who masters the ‘stache
Has walked a fine line.


Freestyle - Limerick
And now for those who fake it

Maybe because they can't make it.
If you can't grow your own

Wear one hot-glued, or sewn!

A face doily? Sure. Crochet it.


Finale Round
Beard-Off
A fight to the beardliest.
A cage match of built-in ski masks.

Contestants both Beardsmanly and Beardsladylike,
Throwing down to join the furry-faced elite.

Most bearded heroes are myths,
Like Paul Bunyan, Santa Claus, Zeus, or “Bob Vila.”

But today, a real hero will walk among us.
To victory!